Have you ever had this powerful feeling towards something and you couldn’t explain it? That’s how I feel about my weird obsession with nostalgia. I just have these intense feelings about it that I find no one else ever has. Like sometimes I wish I could clone myself just so I had someone to talk to about all these things from my childhood. I feel so isolated all the time. Only my friend Robin even gets close to understanding me haha. I get so mad when people say “Oh do you remember the 90s!?” and proceed to give the most basic and over used examples. Mario 64, Michael Jackson, Tamagotchis, CDs, bleh, bleh, bleh! I just feel like there’s so much more to it and I always fail to make that connection with people.
You’re probably wondering what the heck I’m rambling on about. Basically I just have extreme feelings about my past and nostalgic places, items, sounds, etc. I can’t get enough of them and I have no idea why. Like I want to be honest, I just feel unsatisfied all the time. I’m so sad that the world will never go back to being how it was in the 90s and early 2000s. Don’t get me wrong. I have great friends, a stable job, a house, 2 cats and my amazing partner Nano. I’m very thankful for everyone and everything I have. Nano, my cats and my friends fill me with so much happiness and I’d never trade them for anything! Yet still I have this extreme yearning for living in the past. Almost to the point I feel it might be affecting me negatively.
Without sounding dramatic, it’s like a drug. I’m so addicted to capturing small feelings of my youth. It makes me super happy and I’m always glad to sit back and riminess, but it also has a habit of making me deeply depressed. I’d be lying if righting this blog entry didn’t have me crying right now haha. I know that sounds silly but I am just so genuinely obsessed with the past and anything from it.
One way I do feel somewhat at ease is when I get high. It’s just weed but sometimes it can really make me nostalgic. It’s the only time I can get into a little headspace as well. I found this particular brand of edibles that really make me feel little every time I take them without fail. It really helps me relax but I don’t want to be dependent on it to feel satisfied though. I just wish I could find more productive ways to get that “high” from reconnecting with my youth. The only other way I’ve ever come close is when I’m drawing or crafting. The only issue is, is that it’s only when I create for myself. Any other time it’s just work for me. Sadly, I really rarely have any time to devote to working on personal projects.
I just feel like times were better in the 90s. Everyone seemed so happy and there was this huge push to go outside, have fun, hang out with friends. I feel like when you look back on movies, shows, commercials, toys, etc, it becomes obvious how much the 90s really nurtured an environment built on enjoying yourself and others. I feel like everyone is too negative now a days. Whether you believe in cancel culture or not, I’m sure you can see a big change in how toxic people are lately. And I don’t mean kicking people like TERFs, MAPs and neo nazis out of community spaces. I want them out just as badly as everyone else. Just it seems impossible to not be yourself online without people taking offense to it. Online spaces just feel so fabricated and disingenuous.
(Trigger Warning: Abuse, Drugs) Sometimes I wonder if it’s not a biproduct from my past. I experienced a lot of terrible stuff as a kid and a lot of it haunts me to this day. My parents were pretty much never together. I would visit my mom on vacations and would spend most of my time with my dad. My mom was a heavy drug user on top of suffering from bipolar disorder. I was often abandoned to fend for myself when I was with her at a very young age. She wasn’t mean or distant, honestly she was amazing when she was on a high. I was practically spoiled and I got to do a lot of fun things as a kid thanks to her. The mix of those two things has me wondering if it’s not connected. It was so long ago but I know that stuff can really affect you developmentally.
I don’t know. Sorry for rambling! I just wish I could put into words what I feel inside and describe the thoughts I have. I mean I legit, no lie, will break down crying because I’ll see a very 80s or 90s logo. And I’m not talking that faux vaporwave stuff people love to associate with the 80s and early 90s. Like shitty old commercials n stuff. But here I go again, trying to explain something even I don’t understand! Maybe someone reading this will get what I mean haha.Categorised in: Uncategorized