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My Fixation on Nostalgia

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Have you ever had this powerful feeling towards something and you couldn’t explain it? That’s how I feel about my weird obsession with nostalgia. I just have these intense feelings about it that I find no one else ever has. Like sometimes I wish I could clone myself just so I had someone to talk to about all these things from my childhood. I feel so isolated all the time. Only my friend Robin even gets close to understanding me haha. I get so mad when people say “Oh do you remember the 90s!?” and proceed to give the most basic and over used examples. Mario 64, Michael Jackson, Tamagotchis, CDs, bleh, bleh, bleh! I just feel like there’s so much more to it and I always fail to make that connection with people.

You’re probably wondering what the heck I’m rambling on about. Basically I just have extreme feelings about my past and nostalgic places, items, sounds, etc. I can’t get enough of them and I have no idea why. Like I want to be honest, I just feel unsatisfied all the time. I’m so sad that the world will never go back to being how it was in the 90s and early 2000s. Don’t get me wrong. I have great friends, a stable job, a house, 2 cats and my amazing partner Nano. I’m very thankful for everyone and everything I have. Nano, my cats and my friends fill me with so much happiness and I’d never trade them for anything! Yet still I have this extreme yearning for living in the past. Almost to the point I feel it might be affecting me negatively.

Without sounding dramatic, it’s like a drug. I’m so addicted to capturing small feelings of my youth. It makes me super happy and I’m always glad to sit back and riminess, but it also has a habit of making me deeply depressed. I’d be lying if righting this blog entry didn’t have me crying right now haha. I know that sounds silly but I am just so genuinely obsessed with the past and anything from it.

One way I do feel somewhat at ease is when I get high. It’s just weed but sometimes it can really make me nostalgic. It’s the only time I can get into a little headspace as well. I found this particular brand of edibles that really make me feel little every time I take them without fail. It really helps me relax but I don’t want to be dependent on it to feel satisfied though. I just wish I could find more productive ways to get that “high” from reconnecting with my youth. The only other way I’ve ever come close is when I’m drawing or crafting. The only issue is, is that it’s only when I create for myself. Any other time it’s just work for me. Sadly, I really rarely have any time to devote to working on personal projects.

I just feel like times were better in the 90s. Everyone seemed so happy and there was this huge push to go outside, have fun, hang out with friends. I feel like when you look back on movies, shows, commercials, toys, etc, it becomes obvious how much the 90s really nurtured an environment built on enjoying yourself and others. I feel like everyone is too negative now a days. Whether you believe in cancel culture or not, I’m sure you can see a big change in how toxic people are lately. And I don’t mean kicking people like TERFs, MAPs and neo nazis out of community spaces. I want them out just as badly as everyone else. Just it seems impossible to not be yourself online without people taking offense to it. Online spaces just feel so fabricated and disingenuous.

(Trigger Warning: Abuse, Drugs) Sometimes I wonder if it’s not a biproduct from my past. I experienced a lot of terrible stuff as a kid and a lot of it haunts me to this day. My parents were pretty much never together. I would visit my mom on vacations and would spend most of my time with my dad. My mom was a heavy drug user on top of suffering from bipolar disorder. I was often abandoned to fend for myself when I was with her at a very young age. She wasn’t mean or distant, honestly she was amazing when she was on a high. I was practically spoiled and I got to do a lot of fun things as a kid thanks to her. The mix of those two things has me wondering if it’s not connected. It was so long ago but I know that stuff can really affect you developmentally.

I don’t know. Sorry for rambling! I just wish I could put into words what I feel inside and describe the thoughts I have. I mean I legit, no lie, will break down crying because I’ll see a very 80s or 90s logo. And I’m not talking that faux vaporwave stuff people love to associate with the 80s and early 90s. Like shitty old commercials n stuff. But here I go again, trying to explain something even I don’t understand! Maybe someone reading this will get what I mean haha.

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1 Comment

  • Can’t say I remember a lot about the 90s, too young I guess being 26. Or even the 2000s. A lot of my childhood was spent outside finding my own fun with my older bro. Whatever he was into, I was into. Pokemon, YGO, DBZ, etc. We didn’t have much as kids, we were pretty damn poor. Though Pokemon really was a saving grace. One Christmas we were giving a huge bunch of figures. Those ones with the plastic balls and tokens. Mum said it was the cheapest Christmas money wise, yet the most satisfying.
    My bro and I would act out being trainers. We would ‘hide’ the figures all over the house and catch them in the balls. We would put the water types in the bathroom, in a filled sink. The fire types on the boiler, the grass types in the potted plants, flying types in high up places, etc. To catch them, we’d put them in the balls and roll them. If they stayed in, we caught them, if they burst out, they fled. I played a lot with those figures growing up, using them instead of dolls. Making little stories with them. Same with Littlest Pet Shop. Damn I loved those things. The toy shop had a huge range of them and it would be so exciting to see them all. I remember wanting the hermit crab so badly, yet each toy shop never had them. My parents managed to get one and I was ecstatic! I saw them on eBay and the memories flooded back. The packaging, the colours. Same with the Pokemon figures. With YGO I remember we couldn’t get the Egyptian God cards so my bro had these bootleg ones. Bootlegs were a massive thing I remember, which strangely I loved. They were so obviously fake that they were charming. We could actually get pokemon figures that weren’t official, like middle evolutions.
    Building forts with blankets, piling all my plush toys on my futon (which btw, I saved all my money for. I remember it being 50€, which was a lot back then, I was probably like 8. I was a weird kid, what kid wants a futon??) and falling asleep. Making hideouts in the hedge, playing in wet sand with toy cars, watching old video tapes over and over. (We never really had new tapes since they were expensive) Going to indoor soft play areas, there was one in town that was so dodgy looking back. It was falling apart and patchy, but it was amazing.
    Even now I look at school books and I get kinda emotional. I LOVED getting new books for school. Copies, wrapping them to protect them, new pencils, COLOURING PENCILS, just so nice. In fact I had to buy one that I had as a kid, about 4-5. It was an Irish reading book, with an anthro fox, pig, monkey and elephant. It’s adorable and is just so special to me. I must show it you some time.
    Going to the park, nature hikes and collecting stuff. Catching insects. I ADORED bugs as a kid, ladybirds being my fave. I used to catch grasshoppers which now, I don’t know how I did. I could sense where they were. Even just swinging on a swing is euphoric. It’s so freeing in a way. Like nothing matters. No worries.
    Which honestly that’s the reason I think nostalgia is such a powerful feeling. Everything always seemed happy, even if it wasn’t. Compared to now, everything seems so dark. Yet seeing you gush about your memories and now drawing what you have always wanted to draw is so inspiring. It’s honestly a wonderful thing. I may not remember or have had the same memories/experiences as you yet I love hearing them. I love reading this blog even if I’m too shy to comment.
    I might be talking out of my ass but I think I understand how you feel. So metro mes I put on kids shows I watched as a kid. Or even ones I didn’t, like Timothy goes to school, Franklin, etc. Heck, even preschool.
    Omg, that reminds me that I could only watch Dragon Tales, dubbed in Irish since it was only on the Irish channel. I still like going to toy shops. There aren’t many around here anymore, especially independently owned ones. Seeing photos of what my area looked like years ago, just brings back that warm fuzzy feeling. A unique feeling. My dad would take us to work with him. He was a handy man of sorts, taking us to churches was very regular. We weren’t brought up religious yet I have a strong connection with churches. I used to ride my tricycle for hours. Around and around the church grounds. Nothing disrespectful or anything, they were always empty and it was drilled into me to not scream or shout near churches.
    Anyway I’m rambling. I still wish I could find that old YGO GX commercial that was shown here when it first aired. It was so fucking cheesy. Old ads are amazing.

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