So dear readers, I have some good news. I think after yesterday, I might finally be ready to express myself through personal art once again. As I mentioned in my previous post, I started going to therapy. It’s been a huge help with allowing me to work through some trauma and I hope it will continue to do so for days to come. But yesterday was an especially good session for me.
Now I don’t want to get too detailed, but basically my therapist confronted me at the beginning of our session. I had been telling her about my fears of posting online for some time and how that coupled with a lack of time had lead me to a dry spell in personal art. She told me I needed to start doing stuff for myself again and not to hold back anymore. She also asked me what was it that made it so hard.
I feel like it’s time I go a little more into some of my past trauma. See, a few years back I was hopelessly in love with the movie Frozen and the characters Anna and Elsa. Even though I try to never let it on, I do tend to hyperfixate on things a lot, and this time it was Frozen. I spent massive amounts of time and effort into drawing my two favorite characters. I drew them day in and day out and it was amazing. I was so very much in love with the creativity I felt surrounding my art. I was improving on my human art, getting better at anatomy, and learning some new techniques along the way. It was all going great until I caught wind of my friend’s personal blog.
See, I used to be very close friends with a fellow artist in the furry abdl community. I wont name them, but just know we were close friends at the time. I assumed I had nothing to fear, that they were just a good friend and nothing more. That was until I noticed their tumblr posts. It was really weird but, they seemed to be talking about my art. At first I thought it was a coincidence. They were really just tearing it apart, saying it was stupid, how annoying I was for always drawing it. But surely they weren’t talking about me? Well, that’s what I thought until I came across a post they made about how “Frozen was the dumbest movie ever and anyone who liked it was an idiot and had no taste.” Not only that, but they had specifically name dropped my newest piece that involved my two OCs as centaurs It was then that I realized all those posts about being annoying and terrible were about me.
I was heart broken. Someone I thought was a good friend of mine was openly mocking me on tumblr. Not only that, but their partner and friends were joining in on the mocking. I felt so wounded at the time that I didn’t even reach out to them. But then things only got worse. I ended up joining a chat with my local friends, all of whom were fellow furries. At first I thought it would be a nice escape, but then my other friend started picking on me. “All you ever do is draw Frozen anymore. Can you like, draw something else for once?” I was already hurt but this really felt like a kick to the gut. These were my closest friends at the time. All I wanted to do was draw what made me happy.
When I told them it was just what I was into right now, I was met with a “No duh. Sorry but it’s really annoying, I’m going to unfollow you if that’s all you’re going to draw now.” After they said that, a few of my other friends in the call agreed with them. Telling me that they weren’t the only ones getting annoyed. How “I used to draw so many other things.”
I know it sounds dumb, but it really freaking hurt my feelings. It made me so hyper aware of the things I was sharing and posting. My irl group of friends already really didn’t care about my art, but this just stung. I basically over night started distancing myself from Frozen. Every time I saw it, I just thought of how annoying I must be. I mean I loved Frozen. Everything I had at that point was Frozen related. It was like living in constant shame, being surrounded in all that Frozen merch. That plus I felt so alone. I thought no one would want to hear me talk about my interests so since then, I’ve struggled to talk to anyone about the things I like, even my own partner.
To make matters worse, just as I was getting over it and into a new fixation, Steven Universe, another close friend of mine began bashing me for my interests. She told me that it was getting on her nerves and I was annoying to be around because all I talked about and drew was Steven Universe. Even though I never talked to her about it, she was annoyed that my friends in chat were discussing it. On top of that, she told me my new friends sucked and were annoying as well. Going as far as to go into my chat and debate with people how the show was dumb and obnoxious. It was so embarrassing and once again just killed my interest in the show. It was horrible because SU was a huge means of escapism for me at the time. It was really helping me work through some personal hang ups and my own friend just shot me down.
This happening so close to my fallout with Frozen made me feel like I wasn’t allowed to like anything that wasn’t a color or a style. Anything else would be annoying. It really sucked because I love being that person. I love being wholly obsessed with something to the point of owning merch and drawing fanart. I loved painting eggs like the gems from SU. I loved researching gems to feel connected to the show. I adored making up little headcanons and imagining them when no one was around. It made me feel good to have something worth living for. That might sound dumb but being into fandoms and having hyperfixations really does make me happy. Yes I have friends and a partner, but it’s different. It’s my thing I can just obsess over. And it wasn’t bad obsession mind you, it didn’t harm me. It just kept me happy. It really, truly made me feel less depressed. But my friends stole that from me.
My therapist today told me something that I needed to hear. She told me it wasn’t about me. She said that they didn’t hate that I liked this thing. They hated that they didn’t like it. She also told me that they were probably jealous of me. Sure that kinda sounds vain to say, but it’s true. My old artist friend was probably resentful that I had something that I loved and made me happy. That I was improving as an artist, amassed a following for Frozen art and was having fun. At the time they were struggling and I’m sure they hated seeing me have fun when they couldn’t
As for my other friends, I’m sure they were just upset I wasn’t making hot furry art for them anymore. It was all “eww humans” and “why are you wasting your talent?” They wouldn’t have said a thing if it was just hot canine furries and porn. They only took offense the moment it stopped being what they liked. Sure it might have been a little annoying when half your inbox is one thing, but friends shouldn’t make you feel bad for liking something.
It sounds mean to say, but it’s true. Hearing my therapist say it really opened my eyes. She told me it reminded her of her youth and when she got an A+ on her test. How after the test, a boy in her class confronted her and said “You must think you’re so smart.” See, he failed the test and was upset. He didn’t care that SHE got an A+, he was upset that he failed the test and someone else passed.
In the end she told me I couldn’t keep avoiding working on art for myself. She said I needed to be myself, and if people don’t like that, then they can move on and stop looking. It really woke me up to the fact that I’m not happy right now with my art. I haven’t allowed myself to just obsessively love something and use it as my muse in ages. That needs to stop here. I don’t owe anyone anything and especially not my personal art. I’m finally ready to start being invested in things again. Sure you guys might not like it, but please don’t hate me fore it. All that should matter is that I love what I love and it helps make me happy.
Well first of all, I haven’t been anywhere haha. I just haven’t been on this blog forever. It makes me terribly sad because this blog was kind of a safe space for me, but depression does that to yah.
I’m sure if you’ve read any of my past journal posts you probably already know this, but I’ve been suffering from a bad bout of depression. I’ve suffered with it for most of my life, but lately it’s been on the high. It’s been coming in waves, off and on for the past few years and it makes doing anything a pain. The biggest factor in this has been my art. More specifically both my job as an artists and the art I do for myself in my off time.
With my job, I’ve been struggling to find where I want to take it. I’ve always been someone who draws pretty much everything, but lately it’s been my downfall. See, I have a Patreon both for my ABDL art as well as my NSFW art. My ABDL patreon is fine, but my other one is suffering. See, so many people join my patreon and expect something totally different from the next person to join. Some want this, some want that, and in the end, it’s just one huge mess. There’s so many people I want to please, but it’s hard when everyone wants something different. Considering the only real thing I offer aside from discounts is exclusive art, it’s impossible to create unique content every month for every fetish I’m known for. I’d have to draw dozens of unique pieces every month just to make it worth while for all of my patrons.
Then when it comes to personal art, I struggle so hard due to past trauma. I have no way of expressing myself. Then to make things worse, I’ve had several people threaten me with damaging labels just because I don’t agree with the puritan crusade online now a days. I’m too afraid to draw anything, no matter how tame. It seems like there’s always a group of people ready to tear you apart. I know it sounds so silly, but seeing how awful and vicious the online world has gotten has me too sad to do anything. It’s depressing seeing everyone acting so cruel to one another. That plus the pandemic and the dumb people it’s brought to light has me giving up on humanity.
But honestly, I don’t want to be that person anymore.
I recently got back into therapy. First time going in ages. It’s… been a bit of a god send lately. I’ve already been able to work through so much stuff in just several sittings and I only imaging it’s going to continue to improve. It’s really lifted my spirits and I feel like I have some tools now to work through this crazy life of mine. I want to talk about this some more in the future, but in the mean time, here’s this really sloppy post. Sorry guys!
I plan on posting all the journals I started but never pushed live. I have a ton of stuff saved up and I really want to share it with you all! Also, thanks for being there for me everyone!
Have you ever had this powerful feeling towards something and you couldn’t explain it? That’s how I feel about my weird obsession with nostalgia. I just have these intense feelings about it that I find no one else ever has. Like sometimes I wish I could clone myself just so I had someone to talk to about all these things from my childhood. I feel so isolated all the time. Only my friend Robin even gets close to understanding me haha. I get so mad when people say “Oh do you remember the 90s!?” and proceed to give the most basic and over used examples. Mario 64, Michael Jackson, Tamagotchis, CDs, bleh, bleh, bleh! I just feel like there’s so much more to it and I always fail to make that connection with people.
You’re probably wondering what the heck I’m rambling on about. Basically I just have extreme feelings about my past and nostalgic places, items, sounds, etc. I can’t get enough of them and I have no idea why. Like I want to be honest, I just feel unsatisfied all the time. I’m so sad that the world will never go back to being how it was in the 90s and early 2000s. Don’t get me wrong. I have great friends, a stable job, a house, 2 cats and my amazing partner Nano. I’m very thankful for everyone and everything I have. Nano, my cats and my friends fill me with so much happiness and I’d never trade them for anything! Yet still I have this extreme yearning for living in the past. Almost to the point I feel it might be affecting me negatively.
Without sounding dramatic, it’s like a drug. I’m so addicted to capturing small feelings of my youth. It makes me super happy and I’m always glad to sit back and riminess, but it also has a habit of making me deeply depressed. I’d be lying if righting this blog entry didn’t have me crying right now haha. I know that sounds silly but I am just so genuinely obsessed with the past and anything from it.
One way I do feel somewhat at ease is when I get high. It’s just weed but sometimes it can really make me nostalgic. It’s the only time I can get into a little headspace as well. I found this particular brand of edibles that really make me feel little every time I take them without fail. It really helps me relax but I don’t want to be dependent on it to feel satisfied though. I just wish I could find more productive ways to get that “high” from reconnecting with my youth. The only other way I’ve ever come close is when I’m drawing or crafting. The only issue is, is that it’s only when I create for myself. Any other time it’s just work for me. Sadly, I really rarely have any time to devote to working on personal projects.
I just feel like times were better in the 90s. Everyone seemed so happy and there was this huge push to go outside, have fun, hang out with friends. I feel like when you look back on movies, shows, commercials, toys, etc, it becomes obvious how much the 90s really nurtured an environment built on enjoying yourself and others. I feel like everyone is too negative now a days. Whether you believe in cancel culture or not, I’m sure you can see a big change in how toxic people are lately. And I don’t mean kicking people like TERFs, MAPs and neo nazis out of community spaces. I want them out just as badly as everyone else. Just it seems impossible to not be yourself online without people taking offense to it. Online spaces just feel so fabricated and disingenuous.
(Trigger Warning: Abuse, Drugs) Sometimes I wonder if it’s not a biproduct from my past. I experienced a lot of terrible stuff as a kid and a lot of it haunts me to this day. My parents were pretty much never together. I would visit my mom on vacations and would spend most of my time with my dad. My mom was a heavy drug user on top of suffering from bipolar disorder. I was often abandoned to fend for myself when I was with her at a very young age. She wasn’t mean or distant, honestly she was amazing when she was on a high. I was practically spoiled and I got to do a lot of fun things as a kid thanks to her. The mix of those two things has me wondering if it’s not connected. It was so long ago but I know that stuff can really affect you developmentally.
I don’t know. Sorry for rambling! I just wish I could put into words what I feel inside and describe the thoughts I have. I mean I legit, no lie, will break down crying because I’ll see a very 80s or 90s logo. And I’m not talking that faux vaporwave stuff people love to associate with the 80s and early 90s. Like shitty old commercials n stuff. But here I go again, trying to explain something even I don’t understand! Maybe someone reading this will get what I mean haha.
So, today is my 5th year anniversary with my wonderful partner Nano. I can’t believe it’s already been so long. I also can’t believe it hasn’t been longer.
I remember we first met through my sister’s streams. They’d come on, we’d talk and have fun. Not long after, we met at a furry con. Nothing much, just some chatting while working at a dealer’s booth. Then later that year, they were at our house, celebrating Halloween with our long time friends. Nano seamlessly was absorbed into our fold and quickly became one of my favorite people to hang out with. It wasn’t long after that when I began having feelings for them. Wild to think that’s how it all started.
Now it’s been five years since we awkwardly decided to tell each other we were in love. We’ve both grown so much since we first met. We went from being awkward messes to working through years of trauma and barriers. They’ve helped me become so much more than I was before we met. I remember back when I was so scared to admit I had interests, that I hated my body and I feared I’d be left the moment I got attached. I remember being so scared every time I saw Nano laugh with someone else. Remembering all the times my partners cheated on me and abused me.
But Nano always stuck by me. No matter how bad my anxiety got. No matter how many times my old trauma resurfaced. No matter how negative I got over my self image. They were always there to pick me up and be a leg to stand on. I honestly never thought I could be as whole as I am now and I absolutely couldn’t have done it without them. Nano makes me a better person and everyday I am improving with them by my side.
All this time later, I feel I am truly happy. I’m doing things I want again and I’ve lost the fear of being abandoned. We’re both still working on hang ups, but we’re always helping one another. All while helping each other find out new things about ourselves together. It’s such a weird feeling. To love someone so much and to be so loved, along with having so much trust in one another. I finally am in a place where I am comfortable and even encourage them to explore things with other people. Not just being friends but even in sensual and physical ways. We’ve come so close that I don’t have the old hang ups I once had with others. I don’t need to fear them enjoying others in romantic or physical ways. I know at the end of the say they’re still my partner and they love me all the same. It might sound weird to many, but to live with that much love and trust in someone is truly freeing.
I can honestly say with all my heart that Nano is the best thing that ever happened in my life. There’s never been a moment where I ever hesitated to believe that either. They’re the kindest, purest and most selfless person I’ve ever met and I’m so beyond happy to call them my life partner. It’s only been five years and I’m excited for five more, and five more after that! I’m just as in love with them as I was when we first confessed our feelings to one another, and I know that wont change anytime soon.
A while back, when Covid was starting to look better, Nano and I decided to take a fun trip to Little Tokyo. I freaking love it there and the pandemic had me itchy to visit again. See, up until then, we’d go to visit frequently. Often to grab some lunch and dinner or heck, just to peruse the stores. It’s a long drive but so worth it to get some good food.
The first thing we did was hit up Jungle! They told us online that they had an extensive collection of Pokémon cards and I was so down to see these bad boys in person. Sadly it was a big let down. Turns out their “collection” was made up of newer, common cards not even worth $0.05.
I was sad but I still had a lot of fun. I mean, Jungle had 2 other stores worth checking out! One is a model shop, the other an anime store. I’m not super into anime anymore, but I still love the aesthetic and seeing all the neat merch they offer from over seas. Since it’s mostly an import shop, most of the items are unique. I was sad because all the Digimon and Pokémon merch got gobbled up, but I still gotta see some sick items. Anime shops always give me massive nostalgia to my anime club days. Might not be my bag anymore but I love seeing all the people happy there.
Next was the model shop! They have the coolest flooring in this place, just look below! That and the raddest collection of Kaiju figures ever. (Still never forget when my group and I bumped into Nic Cage while he was inquiring about Godzilla figures.) Now this place is more up my alley. I don’t do much in the ways of models now a days but I used to do ZOIDS like crazy. I must have had almost all of the American models back in the day. Over 40 of them easily. I sadly had to get rid of them all, but I was lucky enough to pick on up at Jungle. The Gabrigator! I still haven’t built them, but I want to one day when I’m feeling relaxed. Also, I grabbed a Shin Godzilla figure for my good friend Fate! She’s a big fan and I couldn’t pass up grabbing her something while there.
Now that Jungle was thoroughly looked through, it was time to shop! I freaking love the markets in Little Tokyo and that day, we decided to try a newer one in the area. It was a lot smaller than the normal shop we visit when we’re there, but they had a lot to offer. Nano and I grabbed some drinks, some Gyoza, and lots of snacks for ourselves and to send our friend.
Before we went to the main market, we decided to check out some new shops in the area. Lots of bootleg anime shops that reminded me so much of fake Pokémon and Sailor Moon merch from my youth. I loved the Among Us merch especially, it was so off character to the point of being charming. That and Toga. She haunts my nightmares still.
Right after the small pop up shops, we decided to check out the bookstore real fast before making our way to the market. They always offer amazing art supplies, stickers and books that I hate passing it up. Well, that and Nano wanted to go! We didn’t stay long but I managed to grab a Coro Coro issue as well as a small Shin Godzilla keychain for my friend before we bounced.
Finally, we took a trip to the usual store. I just had to stock up on my favorite sweet breads and snackies! My favorite thing to do when I visit is try a new hard candy, new drink and new chip flavor. This time I got a spicy cheese flavored, bag of chips and some milk tea n’ boba candy. The chips had a slight fishy taste even with the lack of fish but over all not bad. More like subtly BBQ with a hint of fried fish. The candies were great but I definitely did not expect a whole boba in the center. As for the drink, I grabbed a canned milk tea. I love the stuff but I only get it when I’m in the area or when I pass by a boba time. It was nice to have one to take home for a later time.
With our bags full and our feet tired, it was time to head home. BUT, not before stopping to eat some Rosco’s Chicken and Waffles. It was my first time sitting down to eat since March of last year. It was AMAZING! Not only was there no one there, but they were really on top of keeping the place fresh and clean. But gosh, the food was so good. It’s been ages since I ate there and it tasted all the better while being able to eat inside again. It made me feel really human for the first time in ages. It really was a wonderful way to end a perfect day!
So, I recently realized that I have this weird habit of visiting places, wanting to document it for fun, but then getting too shy to share it.
Well not anymore! Starting later today, I’m just going to share a ton of old photos and stories from some cool places I visited in the past. I’ll schedule them a day or two apart, but I just want you to know I’m not like crazy going to all these places everyday.
Hey guys, sorry again for the slow posts. I’ve just been really down in the dumps lately. I really want to have fun and be crafty, but it’s hard to justify my spending and my hobby when no one will buy the things I make. They just take up room in my house when they don’t sell and I just kinda feel like throwing them all away. I know that’s the lame depression talking, but sometimes it’s very loud.
I just get so happy when I’m able to be super creative, it’s a blast! But I’m the only provider for my household right now and I can’t justify spending too much time and money on having fun. Honestly as of now I can’t really afford any fun. Sure I have downtime, but it’s hard to take time to craft when I still need to make an attempt to be social. Then there’s still the problem of a lack of space.
I’d really love some advice on how I can attract people to my crafty art. I’d do anything to be able to support myself and my household with my craft works.
Okay, time I shared some of my beanie baby stories with you all! They were a huge part of my childhood and I just have some cute moments I think you guys might like.
First was my first real dive into the bean craze. I was going to the grocery store with my mom and step dad when I saw this dude with a little booth set up outside. He had mountains of beanie babies stacked up on one of those fold out tables. There were so many of them, it was like a dream come true for lil ol’ me! That’s when I saw them, an adorable leopard in a clear acrylic box. I asked my mom kindly if I could buy one, hoping to cash in all my good kid points in that moment. Luckily she said yes, but only if I found a cheap one. This was at the start of the craze back then, so some of the babies had prices as high as $200. I asked the man about the leopard, hoping she’d be less than the others.
I don’t know if she was actually cheap or if the man felt it was worth it to give a kid a discount, but he told me she was only $5. My mom agreed to the price and the man handed me the beanie. Her name was Freckles and I was in love. I took her everywhere with me while I was visiting my mom that summer. I even managed to snag a friend for her, Blizzard the following week. Blizzard was a white tiger and I made them a couple back then. I had no idea what lesbians were but to me, they were Nala and girl Simba and I’d play knock off Lion King all day with them ;o; I even ripped off their tags. I remember my step dad getting mad and my mom asking me if I really wanted to devalue them. I remember saying something super sappy like “I love them so much that I want to play with them. They want to be played with too. So I’m setting them free.” I have no idea why but I vividly remember looking my mom in the eyes with such conviction. I miss that summer, it was a lot of fun.
Another story I remember that also involved my mom was when she tried so hard to win me a beanie baby from her work. She was working at a pizzeria at the time and their boss was doing a ticket giveaway for the workers. You could buy as many tickets as you wanted and the winner would receive a Magic the dragon at the end of the raffle. I don’t know if you guys recall but back then, Magic was worth a ton of money. Now, my mom wasn’t a great mom (well bio mom), but she always wanted to give me the best. I remember we were sitting down, eating dinner after the shop closed one night when she told me she bought $20 worth in tickets. I remember being amazed and so full of love for my mom in that moment. I knew even as a kid that she was doing it for me and that was a lot to risk on a little stuffed dragon.
They ended up doing the drawing a few nights later. I remember eating pizza and looking up at Magic. They were perched on top of the arch that hung over the bar. Sat in an acrylic box with an advertisement for the giveaway inside with them. I remember thinking it looked like Magic was two stories high as a kid, though it was probably more like 10 feet haha. But I was shortly snapped out of my gaze when the manager announced the winner. Sadly, my mom didn’t win, it ended up being some young dude that planned on flipping it for more money. I was sad, but I was still so grateful for my mom putting in the effort to win it for me. We ended up renting a movie that night and I got some cool stickers at the movie shop. We had fun talking about how the guy who won was super lame while I drew drawings of the dragon plush I never got.
The third is less a story and more just a memory. See, I used to live right across from a mall. Like, literally you just walked out the door, crossed the street that was right outside your front door, and bam there’s the mall. Took like three minutes to get from my front door to the mall. Inside this mall was a Hello Kitty store. I looooved that place. So many cute stationary items! But back then, I wasn’t there for Hello Kitty. Because inside the shop was a whole wall dedicated to beanie babies. Quite literally the wall behind the cash register was ceiling to floor covered in beanie babies. Every week my dad would give me $5, and every week I bought a $4 beanie baby. Lordeh I had soooo many beanie babies. I did this for a few years too, I must have amassed at least 60 beanie babies in those days.
I remembered I wanted to rival my friend Gabby, whom of which had a massive collection. Her mom would buy them for her in hopes they would be worth thousands one day. They lined the walls of her room. Heck, her mom would even take the birds and other flying animals and tie them to strings, suspending them from the ceiling. I wanted so badly to beat her collection, in a fun way of course. I don’t know if I ever did, but I sure loved playing with them!
So I had a few people ask me to talk about more of my weird liminal space encounters so I’M GUNNA! Because this stuff means so much to me!
Okay, so this one might be one of my fuzziest yet strongest memories. Once when I was really young and visiting my mom in Oregon, I was left to hang out with some random kids. I don’t think I knew them really, just some random kids from a neighborhood. Again, really shocked I was never abducted, the 90s were different. I remember one kid was older than I was and the other kid was around my age. I must have been about six or seven at the time. Anyways, the older kid, let’s call him Harold, told the younger kid, let’s say Timmy, and I that there was an arcade near by and we should go there to win some prizes and play some games.
Me, being a naïve kid, didn’t even think twice about asking an adult or even questioning what we’d do there without money. I just blindly followed Harold, but boy was I glad that I did. Again, it’s vague, but I remember walking down this path behind the houses. It was just a long stretch of grass leading to a hill with a gate at the top. It was so surreal, it looked a lot like this:
I barely remember the trip to the arcade other than it was most likely a Chuck E. Cheese. All I remember is we managed to split a dollar between us and we found some tokens laying around. In the end I won a ton of tickets playing the quarter flip game. You know, the dinosaur one with the volcano? I remember getting a ton of bracelets and vampire fangs. But the only other thing I remember is playing with our toys on the way home and stopping to hang out in an abandoned house. We talked about making it our clubhouse and grandiose dreams of decorating it. Something about each of us getting our own corner in our own color. But when my mom eventually picked me up, I never saw those kids again. I never did make a sweet clubhouse either, but it was fun to dream.
I wish it wasn’t so vague, I almost wonder if it wasn’t a dream. It’s so vivid though, something I see so strongly in my mind’s eye. Especially the houses. They were so perfect and colorful, reminded me of a scene from a Dr. Sues movie. It also makes me so sad to know that things are so different now. I miss feeling safe enough to enter a random house, to hang out with kids I never met before. It’s moments like this I miss a lot from childhood.
Hey all! This post will be dedicated to logging progress made on my new art station. The majority of my free money is going to upgrading this area so that I have a comfortable space to do my work in. As of now, I only have a small computer desk that is not very stable for projects outside of digital work. I hope to use this area to work on traditional art, draw on my ipad, and begin work on crafts to sell in my shop!